Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
