she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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