I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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