Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize