I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
