i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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