woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
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how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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She made me pour olive oil on her.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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