I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
