I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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