How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
