So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
