I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
