Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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