Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
