Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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