I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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