I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
