the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
