oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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