Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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