Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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