I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Rumble strips road head = magical
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
