He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
