I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
