i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
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Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
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its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.