Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz