i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.