the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...