I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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