wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
