After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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