My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
