Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
