and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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