If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
