I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
