I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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