There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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