I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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