i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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