I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
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Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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