yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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