so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
