I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
