I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
