I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
