i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
