The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
