call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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