I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
