she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
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you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
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Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.