Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word