Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
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he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
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This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.