3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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