well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
