dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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