what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
